


Next Time

by Trickster_Angel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is emotionally constipated, M/M, Season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 13:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trickster_Angel/pseuds/Trickster_Angel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean can't decide when to admit to Castiel what he's admitted to himself. It will always be next time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Next Time

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of this post: http://obvious-fandom-reference.tumblr.com/post/58630818674/castielismyfairyking-littlehollyleaf#notes

It’s been so long. And Dean can feel nothing but relief. After all this time, he’s found Cas again.  For the first time since they entered Purgatory, Dean’s mind isn’t set on fight or flight anymore. It’s just ‘Cas’, repeating over and over again in his head. All he wants to do is touch him, so he pulls Cas into a bear hug, not even noticing when Cas doesn’t hug him back.

Nothing else matters; he found Cas.

Eventually, Dean has to pull away so he does, bringing his hand to Cas’s cheek and saying, “Nice peach fuzz.”

He wants to do more. He wants to pull the angel close and finally find out how soft his lips are. He wants to never let Cas go, because Cas’ll always disappear again and Dean will have to find him again. It’ll be better if he never lets go.

But Dean pulls away because Benny’s there and he can’t hold Cas forever. It would be awkward to kiss him now. They’ve only just reunited. So he decides.

_Okay, next time. Next time I’ll kiss him._

-

Dean should have held on more tightly. Because Cas is gone again, as always. And it’s Dean’s fault.

But then he shows up again, like always. Cas is back, dressed in that beloved trench coat and a get-up Dean hasn’t seen in a long time. Cas holds his hands out, a gesture for Sam and Dean to evaluate him.

Dean is excited by the sight.

He awkwardly shifts to try and hide it but he knows that it’s so painfully obvious. But Cas doesn’t say anything. Dean half wishes he had. He wants to grab the angel by his backwards blue tie and kiss him. He wants to show Cas how guilty he feels and how relieved he is that he’s back.

But they’re moving on. There’s an important case and Sam invites him to research it. Dean needs to wait for them to be alone. So he decides.

_Okay, next time. Next time I’ll kiss him._

-

So it wasn’t his fault. Cas stayed because he wanted to, not because Dean abandoned him. 

Dean isn’t sure if that’s better or worse.

They were going to go through it, together. As they always do. Because  ~~he loves~~ they are family. And that’s what family does.

Cas is coming with them this time. He’s going to stay. Finally.

Dean wants to tell him what he thinks. If they’re going to spend all that time together, then he might as well know.

Dean wants to slowly kiss Cas. He wants to be gentle because he’s so happy that it wasn’t his fault and he’s miserable because Cas didn’t want to be saved. He wants to show Cas what he has to lose by leaving him.

But Dean is a coward and they’re on the road again. So he decides.

_Okay, next time. Next time I’ll kiss him._

-

Dean refuses to talk about his feelings. So even he surprises himself when he takes a seat on the bed opposite Cas and asks what’s wrong. “Talk to me.”

Cas talks about his time as God and what he did. How he created suffering on earth but it was nothing compared to what he did in heaven. He killed angels and he regrets it so much that he can’t go back to Heaven.

He can’t face what he’s done in heaven. “I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

And Dean feels that urge again. To slowly close the gap between them and kiss him gently. As if Cas will break if he isn’t gentle. Because Dean is still here and ~~he loves~~ he and Cas are friends. And he will be there for him.

But the door opens and the moment is broken. Sam is talking but Dean can barely hear him. He can’t do it now. So he decides.

_Okay, next time. Next time I’ll kiss him._

-

They sit in the Impala, after checking eight other factories looking for heaven’s most adorable angel. So far it hasn’t worked but here they are, trying again.

Dean offers to take Cas back for food if this factory isn’t the one, which it probably isn’t. Cas may not know it’s a date, but Dean does. He wants Cas to go with him. After all this time, he wants this.

Most of all, he wants to kiss Cas. He wants it to be passionate because he wants Cas to realize the truth. Yes, he ~~loves~~ cares about him.

But this is the one. They’ve found where the demons are holding Samadriel and Cas is gone already. So Dean decides.

_Okay, next time. Next time I’ll kiss him._

-

Cas appears to be crumpled next to Samadriel’s broken body. Panic instantly rises in Dean’s chest but dispels when Cas moves.

As he explains why he killed the angel they just spent all this time rescuing, Dean is reminded of a robot. Straightforward answers. His tone doesn’t change.

Something is wrong and Dean knows it immediately. But he doubts that Cas will tell them, even if they ask.

Sometimes Cas is so much like him it hurts.

This is what life must be like for Sam.

Dean wants to kiss Cas. Just a quick kiss, because another angel is dead and Cas doesn’t need a long one. All he needs is a reminder that Dean is there for him.  That he ~~loves~~ … never mind.

But then Cas disappears with nothing but the sound of wings flapping to signal his coming and going. So Dean decides.

_Okay, next time. Next time I’ll kiss him._

-

His wrist feels like it’s on fire it’s so painful. His vision is blurry and one of his eyes has swollen shut but he hears the sound of metal falling to the floor. He sees pale flesh reaching out towards him. On top of all those bruises, he feels the warmth of Cas’s palm and tenses.

But then all the pain is gone and his vision is back. Cas looks almost confused. 

Then he explains everything. How he was controlled. How some bitch called Naomi forced him to do everything against his will. But somehow, he stopped before he killed Dean.

“Well what broke the connection?” Dean asks, almost sure he knew the answer but didn’t say.

Cas meets his eyes and says, “I don’t know.” That isn’t the right answer.

And that’s when Dean wants to kiss him. Adrenaline is rushing through their bodies and Dean wants to grab Cas and force him to kiss him. Right now, he wants that passion.  He ~~loves~~ needs Cas.

But they leave, together and Dean doesn’t say anything. He’s wanted this for years but he says nothing. But he’s sick of pretending. So Dean decides.

_Okay, next time. Next time I’ll kiss him._

-

“So this is it? E.T. goes home?”

This is the end of the road.

This is where he and Castiel part.

And every single part of Dean is screaming at him. He tries to drown those feelings and Cas comments on the beer in his hand.

Dean’s entire mind is telling his to “KISS CASTIEL” because he won’t have another chance. Cas is going back to Heaven and sealing the gates behind him. They’ll probably kill him.

So every rational and irrational part of Dean is telling him to kiss Cas. Because there won’t be another next time. _This is it._

But he still doesn’t and he wonders why. After all this time, after realizing what these feelings meant, Dean meant to kiss him. He regrets not doing it. And Cas is right here. And he’s leaving. This is his last chance.

But he blows it because he’s Dean Winchester and he doesn’t get a happy ending. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no love.  Because Dean is sick of watching those he loves get hurt.

And he loves Cas.

-

As he watches the angels fall, he screams for Cas. Because Sam is in pain and Dean doesn’t know what to do and the angels are falling so Cas must be too.

Or maybe he’s dead. Dean doesn’t know anymore.

But those bottled up feelings are coming to the surface in his panic.  “CASTIEL!!” He wants the reassurance. He wants Cas to appear because he can’t lose him. Not again.  

Because he needs a next time.


End file.
